On Letting it Be

Words by Kate-Lois Elliott

I read a beautiful quote in Swing Time by Zadie Smith, where a man who has fallen in love with our heroine is fearlessly honest with her about how he is feeling, in spite of knowing his love is unrequited. It’s as if he is completely unaware that such a thing could be scary: the sheer candidness of his statement in juxtaposition with the intense vulnerability it exposes:

“This is not one of your musicals. The truth is I am very sad. I wanted something - I wanted you - and I didn’t get what I’d wanted or hoped and now I am sad. I will get over it, I suppose, but for now I am sad. Is it OK for me to be sad? Yes? Well. Now I shower.”

This is a tiny subplot in a book about racial inequality, the impact of wealth and privilege in London in the 1990s and dancing. It really is a tiny moment in a much bigger world, but it stuck with me. It’s entirely human. The most honest, human thing a person can own up to. This man knew he couldn’t fix the situation, so he owned it and he let it happen. We’ve all been there, but who can say they’ve been that honest about their own vulnerability? I have the feeling that if someone had said it to me, I’d have had more respect for them than anyone I’ve ever liked back. Why, oh why, is everyone so scared of looking vulnerable?

It makes me think of some of the best advice I’ve ever been given: emotions are like the weather. You have to let them flow through you, they will pass. A sunny day will pass, so will a storm or a gentle breeze. You can’t hold onto these things as they don’t belong to you forever and they are ever-changing. Emotions are the same, you need to allow yourself to feel them. They want to be acknowledged, and once you have owned them they will flow through you like the weather. Happiness is a state of mind, heartbreak passes and trauma can be released.

Sometimes we want something a lot. Sometimes we want something so badly that the sheer act of pursuing it outweighs the pleasure of simply enjoying the process. When we aim for something - be it a job, a lover or the perfect home-baked apple crumble - we can often forget three important things:

It’s not about the destination

If you want to be the best chef in London, you have to enjoy the learning, the experimenting, the day to day pursuit of your craft, the camaraderie with your team, the late nights, the early mornings, the heat. You’ve got to love the heat. If you don’t love the heat, as they say, you need to get out of the kitchen. If you don’t enjoy the sport, only the trophy, then don’t play.

We are not the only forces at play here

There are a million other things working their own journey around the world, using up the same space, the same resources, affecting everything in their wake. We are just one tiny piece of our own interlinking puzzle. We are all human, we all have complicated hang-ups that make us really terrible at communicating, or scared of failure, or believe that we aren’t good enough. It’s a complex dance and we do it whilst weaving our way around everyone else’s. So give yourself a break and take the pressure off.

There are many paths your life could take

It’s great to be focused on your goals, but a narrow-minded pursuit of something can cause you to miss out, not just on the million other opportunities all around you. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you just sat back into it and looked around at what else was available? When was the last time you took joy in not knowing what was going to happen? You don’t have to be inebriated at a festival in order to embrace the exciting, slightly fear-inducing buzz of going with the flow. Who knows where you’ll end up? Maybe in a career path that’s perfect for you but that you didn’t even know existed, maybe living in another country learning new skills and teaching English for a competitive salary, or perhaps you’ll find yourself in the wedding tent at Bestival: sunburnt, covered in glitter, clutching a warm PIMMS whilst two people you’ve never met have a fake wedding and all your friends are crying and singing September by Earth Wind and Fire.

The scary thing is not knowing that we cannot control everything. We can only show up for our part of the job and the rest needs to be allowed to happen, or not happen naturally. Let it be, as the Beatles say, you can’t force it. Trust that everything will find it’s way to where it’s meant to be. Listen to the signs around you, and trust your gut. You are not the only force at work here, so is everyone else and everything, some for good and some for bad, and we can only make the best decisions with the information we have. 

You can’t untangle complicated matters just by thinking them untangled, you just have to let them play out, so step away and let it go. You can’t force yourself to learn lessons you know you need to learn, just be open and receptive to what’s available to you when it comes.

You did your best, now breathe and let go. We must breathe. The minute you value your breath everything slows down. You find yourself in the present, calmer and more grounded.

No one ever gets anxious about a pear on a pear tree as it ripens, we just let it ripen. 

Let it ripen.

Let it be.

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Kate-Lois Elliott is an actor and writer. She has worked at XYZ Magazine Brighton and Mouth London. Kate was the assistant editor for The Shapers Project book with The Creative Society, Jazz FM and Mishcon De Reya, has had her short fiction read out on Wandsworth Radio/Either-Author and had her work staged at Theatre 503. She regularly champions first time playwrights with her company Backbone Theatre, who run workshops and readings at London venues. Past Backbone productions have played at the Roundhouse, The Bush Theatre and the Blue Elephant Theatre, Camberwell. (Spotlight: 2212-9084-8035). http://www.kateloiselliott.com/

Twitter: @kateloiselliott

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